Feeling You, Soaring Across the Sunset Like a Great Blue Heron
We had just received your message, P:
M is actually in a coma… We don’t know what will happen next. She may never wake from the coma. She may have difficulty overcoming functional loss… 50/50 chance it may turn out “ok”… She is the light of my life. My everything… my winning lottery ticket (even with this news).
Crying as I read. Crying as I write.
We stood together on the land, encased by an exquisitely bright sunset in a moment of silence. Then a heron graced the expanse of sky, flying low overhead, as if it wanted to be seen.
The feeling in my heart was of M, her free spirit souring, playing on the wind, bringing beauty and joy to all she loves.
M would tell me, you need to learn how to cry. I would say, Babeh, that is so not me. She would then say, but it will help you Babeh. So in a way, she is teaching me that lesson, how to cry…
She is teaching. She was always teaching. Teaching by loving, by savoring, by delighting in each moment. Teaching generosity of spirit, joy, laughter, passion, forgiveness.
The night before, we went for a drink after yoga. Sitting together on the sofa, she was engrossed by pictures of the next phase of her style: growing sexier and wiser and going grey. So hot.
Of course we were talking about the meaning of life… her powerful insistence that the only thing that is real is love. Your insistence that the only thing real for you was your love for her.
The two of you, giddy and inseparable as always.
M- talking about the power of her mind, to be free, to make things happen, to survive. She shared the story about her near-death experience in a car, about the steady, unwavering certainty that she would be alright. About walking away unscathed after her car spun around, battered on the bridge.
M- ready to retire and commit to a lifetime of attending to friendships, tending to gardens, sewing cloth bags, and startling strangers with gifts.
M- Lightworker and Laughter, exploring the new forms she can take with her spirit. A sunset, a beautiful blue-grey heron, symbol of the strength of Oneness. Keeping her body alive as she explores the universe, bringing gifts of beauty to our hearts, teaching us laughingly to receive them. M- loving and caring for her caretaker, for her partner in everything, for her soul mate, for her guardian and magnetic compass. She kisses you with the wind, P.
You said that loving her and tending to her was just being who you are. One doesn’t question or thank a cucumber for being a cucumber.
M- was always finding a new meditation, a new prayer, a new chant for increasing her vibration.
My old prayer, my old chant, my old meditation came to mind when you said that P:
Om Trayumbakum Yajamahe Sugandhim Pushtivardhanam Urvarukamiva Bandhanan Mrityor Mukshiya Mamritat Om
We worship the three-eyed one (Lord Siva) Who is fragrant and who nourishes well all beings. May he liberate us from death for the sake of Immortality, Even as a cucumber is severed from its bondage (to the vine).
That is M. Liberated, immortal, unbound, in any form.
You’ve survived fire together, and grew out of the ashes together like a phoenix.
My land mates, my soul mates, my confidants. My yoga partners, my project partners, my vegan pancake providers.
With M, and with your love, anything is possible.
I am praying to laugh, dance, discuss, and do yoga with her again. To grow vegetables, to give gifts, to gather greens and whatever else pops up. Childlike delight. I’m praying for myself to learn from her all she taught, to embrace the moment with a girlish giggle, to soar.
I pray for P.
Ultimately, I don’t know what to pray for. I trust M.
I think she wants us to pray with her.
So I launch prayers of gratitude. Sprinkle them. Savor them. Pour them into the pancakes.
